i have come to the realization, after snapping at a friend, that i'm extremely bitter.
ironically, this is the best and yet the stupidest time to be bitter.
the best because i have nothing to get in the way of my bitterness or let my bitterness affect anything like my work.
the stupidest time because i clearly should not be wasting my time on bitterness during summer, when i can be doing other stuff.
this is just one of those times where the name of my blog is something that i can actually do: give absolute silence. but i can't anymore.
i need to vent. and the problem is, i can't do it to a friend, or friends anymore. (you know who you are, and i do thank you guys, but i don't think you guys would be able to take it anymore.)
i'm just going to vent out onto the internet where i have no idea who and what will be reading this.
well, i know at least ONE person will be reading this, but I have no idea how she'll respond either.
so here it goes.
i'm bitter. and it all starts with "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!". so i'm watching this movie, and i realize that it's one of those movies where i can somewhat relate to. those who have seen it and understand me know what i'm talking about. in multiple ways. now, i thoroughly enjoyed the movie, because it was sweet, it was cute, and god forbid, there was some amount of romance involved.
i finish the movie thinking, "great movie, now only if my life were like it, i'd actually be getting somewhere."
so this is where things start going downhill.
i curse my self-righteousness.
no, that would be putting me on a pedestal.
i curse the fact that i want the person i like/love/crush on to be happy, even if it means without me. i'm insignificant to the world, and if they mean the world to me, then i will put myself out of the picture to make them happy. case in point, my entire junior year of college. i'm kind of fine with that, and i'm also not, because she went with someone else, and the only thing i could do is encourage her. i just can't find the guts in me to DO SOMETHING. as tal bachman said, "she's so high above me."
so i lack backbone. i'll agree with that. i very much lack backbone. i lack the backbone to initiate anything with girls i like.
which brings me to another point, which is my first relationship.
it's obviously over, and it has been for a year. but our agreement to stay friends is a rocky road, i'm sorry to say. we had some good times and we had our bad times, but it was something i'd never trade it back for.
but now, things are just difficult, at least for my end. she once told me that she'd never stop loving me, and sometimes i have to call that into question. i told her that i wouldn't stop caring about her (and if i used the word "love", i apologize. "love" is a really strong word, and what i really meant at the time was "care".) and the thing is, i do still care about her. i care about her well being, how she's doing in school and life and all that jazz. i really do.
i've let go of her, but i'm not going to forget about her as a friend.
but it seems easy to her to be able to call me up when she's bored, and only when she's bored, and as a direct result, i've retaliated by ignoring her, almost completely. i stress almost. she would too. because i become selective "combative", so to speak.
hence my failed friendship because i can't be at least civil to her when she's trying to maintain the little friendship we have left.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i guess my bitterness just comes from being tired of being ignored. but the irony in that is, i don't mind being ignored, if it's for the happiness of the people i care or like.
oh, the stupid things i do.
i'm out. let me know if you read this. i'll be suprised if 1 person even replies.
